A Black Lady Sketch Show: Courtroom Kiki (Full Sketch) | HBO
♪ (“THE BIG ONE” BY ALAN TEW
PLAYS) ♪ (HUMMING) -Hey, girl.
-(SNICKERS) Oh, black girl magic for real. -That’s right.
-I know. (CHUCKLING) Well, good morning. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) God is good? -ALL: All the time.
-STENOGRAPHER: Amen. Apologies for my tardiness,
Your Honor. My client was stuck
in a revolving door. What in the… baby hair? It’s a black lady courtroom! Black lady courtroom. ALL: (CHANTING)
Black lady courtroom! -Okay!
-STENOGRAPHER: Black lad– -Oh.
y’all shouldn’t be dancing. I have been sitting
in this courtroom for 20 years,
and I have never seen– -I’m sorry, Your Honor–
-Melanin this poppin’! (ALL LAUGHING) Cicely Tyson
would be very proud. -DEFENSE: Thanks, Your Honor.
-Why would she be proud of that? Alright. I’d like to call this
evidentiary hearing to order in the civil matter
of Trina’s Vintage Furniture versus Sweet Song restaurant. First order of business… do you queens want
to get lunch after this? (LAUGHTER) I would like to submit
to the court that… Your Honor is welcome to dine
at Sweet Song anytime! Objection, Your Honor. Dining at defendant’s restaurant
would be prejudicial. You right. But if you do go, plaintiff’s
counsel likes to eat too. -(LAUGHTER)
-Ha-ha! Sustained. Excuse me,
this isn’t professional– Uh, you know what, Trina?
Trina, let me handle this. -Okay? I got it. I got you.
-Rude. (CLEARS THROAT)
Unfortunately, my clients were unable to attend
this hearing, but I’m sure
they would appreciate it if we took some time to… find out how my girl over there
got her goddess locks so right! -(SQUEALS) Thank you!
-I see you, I see you. I’m suing her clients
and I still feel the need to tell you that they would not
appreciate that. -It–
-Why would you say that? -That doesn’t help your case.
-Because they wouldn’t. -Counselors, approach the bench.
-See? Thank you, judge!
Get them together please. -Ma’am.
-LAWYER: Hush, courtroom. You guys can approach too. -Me too, Your Honor?
-JUDGE: You too, girl. -She needs to approach–
-(CHATTER, LAUGHTER) We made it! So where did y’all
go to law school? -Oh, USC.
-I knew you looked familiar. What y’all talking about? Well, I’m going to
USC undergrad. Are any of you Greek? AKA, first and finest. Oh, wow! What y’all touch about?! Black girl magic, man!
Okay, look. -Take this photo.
-Now y’all taking a selfie. Oh, put that Valencia filter on,
girl. We lit!
We lit. We so lit. Good side bar, ladies. You know, can you airdrop that
to me? -Absolutely.
-God bless y’all. Your Honor, my client, who clearly does not understand
the historicness of this moment, recently reupholstered
several high-end chairs for the defense,
and was not paid for her work. No disrespect
to my sister-in-law… -Get it?
-That’s cute. DEFENSE:
But the plaintiff never actually completed the work in question. If it pleases the court,
I’d like to consult exhibit B. Take your time. In fact, you’ll see
there are no chairs, and if there’s no place
to sit, you must acquit. That’s a solid Cochran. All right. Okay. (CHUCKLING) But as you can see
from my supplemental exhibit G, my client clearly posted
time-stamped photos of the chairs on Instagram. Defense counsel clearly
just removed them from her pic. (LAUGHING)
You tried it, sis. You right,
I’m a fool for that one. All right, the defense photos
are deemed inadmissible and I hereby deem
this courtroom ready to kiki. -Black lady courtroom!
-What does that mean? ALL: (CHANTING)
Black lady courtroom! -Black lady courtroom!
-Okay, I don’t understand. Does this mean
that it’s just over? -Yeah, and you won.
-I won? -Uh-huh.
-Oh shit! Thank you, judge! Okay, also, thank you, me. ALL: (CHANTING)
Black lady courtroom! Black lady courtroom!
Black lady courtroom! Ladies, ladies! (YELPS) Anybody got any Carmex? They don’t have any over
at the white man’s courtroom. Well you know I just happen
to have some in my bra, boo. Help yourself.
Black lady courtroom. ALL: Black lady courtroom!
Black lady courtroom!