ANGRY RACCOONS | SKETCH


ANGRY RACCOONS – I told you this is the right place – This doesn’t look right,
where the fuck are we? – No… This is it, look there’s like
a park ranger’s office there [SNAKE HISS, DISTANT ANIMALS] Let’s go, let’s walk – SIGH – Bobby, this is HQ,
comon baby Talk to me! Hello? Oh, hey! – You see?
– Wow! Welcome to Wildlife National Park! – I told you we’re in the right place! – We haven’t had visitors
here in a long time! You, uh… You guys must really love nature – I like that, it’s nice – OK, it’s just that uh… The place looks different
in the pictures – It’s nature Nature changes Right? Yeah… – Nature does change,
it’s fine – You’re in the right place – Yeah…
– Yeah… – But like… Where is everyone? – Oh they’ll be here soon enough
[DISTANT ANIMALS, WOOD CRACKING] – Who’s they? – The other campers,
it’s fine We have a reservation Site 33, very close to the river where we can take very nice pictures – You guys…
[BEEP] Bobby? Ah, next to the river Yeah, there’s no river Drought But…We have a lot of really
nice cactuses – That’s fine… I love cactus – A little cactus garden I think you guys would be
very interested in that – Mmmm… – I’m OK
– Yeah anything far from the animals – AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – There’s no getting away from
the animals this year We have a…raccoon problem – Raccoon problem? – For some reason they’re very angry [DISTANT ANIMALS, CRACKING WOOD] – Yeah…I read something
about it on the website But like, it’s a wild animal… It’s fine, like… That’s why they have
them here, to protect us – Comon… We’re men… I mean, “Man” You’re obviously ladies… Anyway… I’ve got some forms for
you guys to sign Alright… You’re going to need to sign
here and here… [WALKE TALKIE STATIC] Bobby! Bobby! Sorry…I haven’t seen my partner
in a couple of days Anyway, just initial here and a couple
here on the front page A couple of the fourth page and then… On the fifteenth page, one more initial Sign on the back and… You guys should be good to go – Yeah, that’s a lot of papers – It’s just a waiver – It’ like a liability thing Do you remember when we were
sky diving and they were like… [VOICE MUFFLED] [DISTANT ANIMALS, WOOD CRACKING] …In case we die – Right… – It’s an American thing, it’s fine – So like, everyone goes through
the same process, right? – I mean some people do leave when
I tell them about the angry raccoons – It’s fine, we’re going to be fine – But not you guys, right? Nature… – It’s the park! There are wild animals Where do you think they live,
you know? It’s fine I’ve got a checklist that I made
for you in the back So, I’m going to go pick
that up for you In case you’re attacked – Attacked?! – There are going to be animals
that might attack us They need to know, you know… Let you know that it might happen! You’ve never been camping
but this is so normal – Get the hell away from my forms! [FIRST GUN SHOT] [SECOND GUN SHOT] – How did you get in here?
– We’re getting the fuck out of here! – No!
– We’re going, we’re going! – I spent eight hours trying to make fire! – Where the hell is Bobby
you son of a bitch! – We’re fine! – He has a gun,
he’s going to protect us – Oh my god! Those are some
dedicated beasts! Raccoons got all my forms But, it’s very simple
to remember alright? One If it moves, shoot it Number two If you hear anything move Shoot it! And number three Shoot it! – I don’t have a fucking gun! I’m an Arab on a tourist visa! – Lady, what part about ‘angry raccoons’
do you not understand? They’re cunning! They’ve got opposable thumbs! I posted it on the website! I don’t know where Bobby is! – Do you have another gun? [DOOR SHAKES]
– What was that? [DOOR SHAKES] Do you hear that? [DOOR SHAKES] – They’re here! Lucky for you, I’m well stocked – Oh my God, this is the best day of my life!
– I don’t want to die! – I don’t want to die!
– Listen to me! – I didn’t lose a man in Afghanistan and I’m not going to lose one now! Get a hold of yourself! [SLAP] [BODY DROPS] [GUN RELOADS] – Are you ready?! – I am ready!
– Let’s go, go, go, go, go!

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