We’d like to welcome everyone to this parish to celebrate the baptism of this little child of God. With joy you have brought this child in to the world, and with joy you have come to the church to baptize him. What name have you chosen for the child? Achilles. I hereby baptize you in the church of God, little A- Wait, what? What do you want to name your child? Achilles, father. Achilles!? What did the poor kid ever do to you? Is he Greek? Is he strong? Does he have a faulty heel? Besides, what? Aqui-les vengo (here I come), Aqui-les va (here he goes), Aqui-les voy (here I go)… What if the parents of the Cuban leader wanted to name him that? Aqui-les Castro (Here I castrate you)! He’s gonna get beat up! Choose a different name. (Mother) But my dad …
(Priest) No. (Mother) But …
(Priest) No. (Father) uuuuh… Washington? I hereby baptize you in the church of God, little …Washington. Are you serious? And they wonder why bullying exists… Do you happen to have some American family member? Do you happen to even know any Americans? No, right? Then choose a different name. Jefferson, then. And the same thing with Jefferson! First, both are English names Second, they’re names of presidents from a foreign country, you hear me? Foreign! And third, they’re not names, they’re surnames! (Father) Stalin? (Priest) Augh… Now we’ve just switched sides. We’re not capitalists, but communists! Long live the cold war! Stalin, Stalin, that regime chalked up 60 million deaths! Might as well name him Hitler! NO! (Mother) And José María? [Joseph Mary] (Priest) José María. Now you want to give the kid an identity crisis? Jose Maria. You want to see which way the scales tip? It’d be better to meet in the middle. How about “Jesus?” Let’s see, who else wants “Jesus?” I like it. Who else likes it? The gentleman up here is
raising both hands. (Mother) Yeah, yeah yeah, we’ll name him Jesus. (Priest) Perfect. Hold on, hold on, hold on… Beyond the initial excitement, what miracles has he performed to earn the name “Jesus?” Let’s see him turn water into wine then, to see if the name fits.. Go ahead. Useless.
No. He can’t be named Jesus. (Mother) José! Name him José. (Priest) And if he wants to have
a business with his name? There are too many Pepes!
Pepe’s BBQ, Pepe’s Pharmacy … Even this church is Pepe’s! Let’s see, members of the public, don’t stay quiet! Suggestions are welcome. (Female) Second! (Priest) Second? Will there be a “First,” “Third,” or “Fourth?” Hey, “Fifth,” raise your hand! Well why doesn’t a “Fifth” raise their hand?! Is your name Quinto? (Fifth) (Male) Yes. With a “K.” (Priest) Get out of my church. Well, let’s see, who else? (Male voice) Francisco! (Priest) And if he wants to be a soccer player? You only need two syllables. Pe-le. Me-ssi. Ka-ka. In this case it would be “Fran-CIS-co.” (Father) We’ll call him “Pancho” then. (Priest) It’s the same as with the Pepes.
There are too many! (Female voice) Dante! (Priest) Ah, now we’re all highbrow! Before you wanted to name him “Pancho” and now you want to call him “Dante.” Seriously, have any of you read
The Divine Comedy?! No, right? (Female Voice) Gilberto! (Priest) For me in Gilberto there is only the “gil” (foolish) not the “berto.” (Male voice) …god damn it… ¡Roberto! (Priest) Roberto-mamerto (Suckky-Robert) (Father) ENOUGH! Name him whatever you want, but name him NOW! (Priest) Ok, ok. There’s no need to get upset. Patience is virtue of the wise. If you leave it up to me, I’ll be happy to name the child. We need a name that’s both strong and noble. A name that’s wise but mature. Innocent, and sweet. Jorge! *Crescendo of heavenly chorus* Let us proceed! What name have you chosen for this child of God? (Father) Jorge. (Priest) Full name, please. (Father) Jor-Genitals. (Priest) Get out of my church. English subtitles by: Janelle C.


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