Bible Time (feat. Hbomberguy)
[birds chirping] [dramatic music] [pen scratching against parchment] It’s finished… Hahahahaha! [gasps]
Vikings! No, please! I am but a humble historian. It is YOU whole will be history! [splatter] So. From the future. Just finished your book. SO good. My book? You mean… The Bible? Oh really? I’ve been calling it the bibble. Anyway, bit short, but I liked all the sodomy. Very cheeky. Thank… You…? But what’s up with the ending? The dude just dies on a big T and then they
throw him in a cave! Well, that’s what happened… No! It’s boring! Bring him back! Wh- How?! He’s in the cave… And then he’s not in the cave… And then he flies away. Whoosh. That doesn’t make any sense. Tom: Okay, thank you, buh-bye! … and then… he comes… back… Oh no! My twin brother! I’ll kill you!! [splatter] Oh, this is great! Now people are eating chocolate eggs for some
reason. But you should change his origin story! You mean his birth…? Give it a bit of mystery like “who’s the father?
who knows!!” It’s Joseph. Wrong. Plot twist: it’s a ghost! Oh my God… Exactly! Ugh- Fine! My long lost triplets! [splatter] Actually I’ve got a LOT more notes. Oh noo… I don’t like all these characters. I can’t just kill them all! Yes! Kill them all! Drown ’em. Except Noah. He’s funny. Put him on a boat. B- But how would he? [Tom belches]
And the animals! They’re also funny. You gotta put them on the boat. Oh, even the fish?! PUT ‘EM ON THE BOAT! AAAAA- So imagine, he’s on a surfboard, but then…
ah! There’s no surfboard. Aha! He’s walkin’ on the water. What’s a surfboard? And another fish! But David and Goliath were friends! I get it, I do, but how about David just straight
up kills ‘im? What?! With a tiny rock. That seems excessive. And then cuts off his head! And another fish… No! Water is boring. Make it wine! But I’ve already written water! Pfft! Jesus is a WIZARD. Pew pew! Now it’s wine. Is this wine? That’s ink. Gaaah! [Tom vomits] And another fish! “Oh, you want these slaves? How about a lotta bugs!” Tom: And then Moses uses his
jedi powers to move the water. And then God’s like “it’s just a prank, bro!”
and Abraham’s like “whaaa-” Tom: So the salty woman…
Becomes the salt! See the power was in his hair! Tom: So the bears eat the children! And then Donkey Kong says “trans-” STOP! Please! I’m out of parchment. Oh, that’s a shame. Well, thanks anyway! See you for the sequel! [sighs] No! My three similar-looking cousins! AAAAAA- And then God said unto tree, “may no one eat from you again”, and- Okay. He just killed a tree. He just killed a tree! I can’t do this anymore, this book makes no
sense! Oh why don’t you just write a better one yourself
then? Oh, is this wine?!