CONDIMENT CATASTROPHE


*wet burp* *gag* *exhale* I don’t want to do the intro. (James) Welcome back to Amazon Prime tiiiime uuuuum W-whatchu got today? Huh? (Aleks) Dude (James) What you got today? I’m fucking tired of.. Amazon I’m- I’m literally gonna boycott this show. You should. I’ve already done it for YouTube. I want to switch over. To what?
There’s no other service that offers the same as… Amazon. Walmart
(James) in the world
Walmart Wal- *wheeze* You got multiple gifts! (James) Yeah, yeah, they’re all in there. What’s this? Money soap! Yeah Oh! This one’s like a heart. Ya it was for- it was ferrrr Valentine’s, but it was It was late, so… it didn’t really match up time- time- time-frame-wise You gave me a heart shape soap, dude. No one’s ever given me… yeah I thought it was kind of interesting. (James) I thought it was kind of original at the time- Oh my god. Why are you eating that? Eww Why are you eating that?
*spits* Huh? Why don’t you find out what’s in it? You gotta find out what’s in it What’s in this one? There’s something in this one? Yeah! There’s something in there. There’s a surprise. Really? Yeah *CRACK* *scoff* (laughing) You hear that- n- (laughing) Did you hear that noise? *thud* *thud* *Thud* *THUD* *SMASH* *SMASH* (Aleks) Okay What’s in it~ What the fuck is that? Duuuuude DUUuude (James) What the fuck, man? What.. is this? (Aleks) Wait Wait, wait, wait, what is this? Did you give me a ring? (laughs) (James under his breath) ya (Aleks) It’s a- ha ha What. Oh my God (music fades in) Yeah (Aleks) Oh my god Ya it was from one of those.. fr- fr *mumbles off* (Lyrics) You so~ fucking~ precious~ when you s~
(music cuts) No prenup? *sharp inhale* No prenup, right? No, I need that. Dude if you fuckin’-
(James) I need that.
If you pr-
(James) I need that. Dude, if you prenup me that means that you don’t love me I need that. I need that too… Look.
I need that. I need that ferrrrr my fortune Alright Th- Is this only about money? (James) Is it only about money?
It’s not about the money, (James) But I gave you some right here
But you’re making it about the money I gave you some money right here You think I want *this*?
(James) I gave you money I’ve.. seen yer fuckin’.. bank account on your phone app, okay?
(James trailing off) I gave you… I’ve seen the numbers that are in it. If you think *this* is gonna buy my love? *crack* *thump*
*thud* Wowsers *snick* *gasp* D-Did you get that for yourself? (James) *flinches* or did you get that – Noo- What the fuck? Why? Asshole *thump* (x6) (Aleks) Put these on
*bag crinkling* You just trying to.. fuckin’
(Aleks) This is your gift get a divorce and take 50- 50 percent could you-
could you see what that contains? That’s a- that could be a possible $50 bill in there-
*crack* *James gasps in horror* *crack* *crack* Could be a.. f- fifty dollar bill in there Doesn’t even have a n- Th-This doesn’t have a numrical value on it. It’s a baggie! Wait, this is like- This is what the cartel does (excited muttering) Aw, Give me more money, dude. I want more money. *quiet slap* *not as quiet slap* *hits floor* ooh *ninja slice* What am I supposed to do with these gloves? *sniffs* (Aleks) *clicks tongue*
oh, yeah (Aleks) Yer gonna catch this blade. “I’m gonna catch this blade”? I- You can’t do that because if it falls on my legs, then what? I’d have to catch it like this *wheezy laughter* Yeah *wince* *knife clatters loudly* (strained voice) What the fuck?
That was nowhere near me, dude. (Aleks) Wanna do something where we fake the camera? (James) Alright count of three. (James) Count me down. Three. Wait, oh you g- *snick*
*James grunts* (both groaning) (James) *groaning* (Aleks) Oh my god (James) aaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaAH AAAHHHHHHH
*inhale* (James) AAAAAHHHHH! You’re not actually driving it in (James) It’s in there!
You gotta actually to drive it in *tiny gasp* *scream rises in pitch as glove audibly tears* aaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! (Aleks) HAHAHAHA HOLYSHIT
*James continues screaming* (Aleks) *high pitch* holy shit (laughing) Holy fuck *Aleks snickers* (Normal voice) That didn’t work.
That’s not- that’s not cut proof. What am I supposed to do about this? (Aleks wheezing)
This is in my hand now.. This wa- (laughing) (laughing) *wheeze* (laughing) *inhale* What the fuck, man? Why would you buy this for me?
(Aleks) I-It said it was *laughs* It said it was cut proof. I thought it was cut proof. It said it on the- It said it on the.. (James) *pained breathing* Should I go to the hospital or something..? Er.. Hold on, maybe we did something wrong here uhhh Oh, it says right here. “They’re not indestructible.
They are cut resistant, not cut proof.” *tsk* (Aleks) But *disappointed exhale* (Aleks) uumm *exhales* (Aleks) “Using sharp objects for the”
*hisses in pain* (Aleks) “sole purpose of testing the cut resistant properties of the glove is never a good idea” “You run the risk of hurting yourself and making the gloves unusable.” “Yes, if you try hard enough you *can* cut through them..” (trails off) ??? (James) *mix of pain and relief* ahhh.. Well I mean.. It’s not too bad. I feel.. I feel like we put the product to a good test and even though it failed, you know it’s just a little bit o’ blood.. I want my gift.. now! I’ll give you one and then..
the other one would be like a little dessert. What the heck is that? This is a revolutionary product.
This is called.. the Condiment Gun *lowkey proud* The what? “Condiment Gun” You’re gonna bring a gun on this show? *hesitant* ..Well I mean.. I felt like you could totally.. Uh.. Use this for good (James) I also took the liberty.. *satisfied exhale* (Aleks) Talkin’ about “liberty,” “debate,” and then you brought a gun in h- What the fuck? Woah! How the hell do you use this? Well it should have came with like,
little dispensers in there (low voice) What are you plannin’ on doin’ with that? It’s not gonna come out of there like that *scoff* (James) It won’t Do it, bitch. *splat* *swallows scream* (laughing) ??oob?? (Aleks) *tense* Do you think they-
have these at all the- NRA after parties? heheheha *high pitch wheeze* he hehe HeHe Ha ahah (quiet, breathy laughter from James) *Aleks masticating* Why didn’t you put any mustard on that corn doggy? *Aleks casually masticates* *”Condiment Gun goes pfft* You need ta put some more on that
*Aleks pulling trigger to no result* *attempting to squirt* *James laughs* (mouth full) How’s this thing ever gonna stop a fuckin’ burglary? *Condiment Gun squelching* (James) Dude- (Laughing) *wheezing* (James) That’s not getting the corn dog at all Try the ketchup. Maybe the ketchup will get you- Maybe that one will have better results. Y’kn- ke- ka- ketchup uh You can say “Catsup” as well. “Cat Soup”? You cn’say “Cat Soup” and these are co-cooked from tomatoes (Aleks) mm (mouth full) very good for protein *ffp* *psst* *James breathes regretfully* (James under breath) God damnit, dude. Well, I think you finally.. got it after aaaa good amount of time. I would say, though.. I think we need to.. compare and contrast Because.. you know obviously *paper crinkling* We saw how that one performed (James) *clears throat* *liquid sloshes as James shakes water gun vigorously* *dramatic musical note* *another note*
(James) *thoughtfully* Hmm *tragic opera music fades in* (James) Do you think this one works a little bit bet-? (music continues under wet squelches of high velocity condiments) (James) It’s workin’ (James) Mother fuc- *distressed* Ah! (James) Why? Stop. *ssssppppssstt* *slips and groans*
oooh! (James) You look- *laughs* Stop (James) All right. I’m gonna get the hot dog.
I’m gonna go back to the hot dog. (James) ‘gonna go back to the hot dog (Aleks) *quiet disbelief* Oh my fuckin’ God. There’s like so- *psssssttt* *squelch* (James) Do you know how- Do you know how much it’s gonna cost to clean this up? Yeah, a lot. A lot. Yes, and you keep doING it Stop *doing* it Stop- *sspst sspst*
(Aleks) *yells like the mustard is acid* aaaahhhhhh *pfft* Stop ha ha s-stop -fuckin’ doing it! (James) All right, all right! (James) I needed to get ketchup anyway (Aleks) Aw, you motherfucker-
AW, You motherfucke- You mother f- AH (with increasing panic) aH AH! AHHH! (Aleks) Jesus Christ, dude *gasp* (Aleks) What the fucK! *couch legs screech* (Aleks) *screams in pain*
aaaAAh *frustrated yell* FUCKIN’ STAAWWWP *half sobbing*
It’s so-ho sooapy AAAHHHHHH STOOOOOP STOOOO- (audio cuts) Oh my fucking god. What the fuck? *squelching continues in background* (Aleks) *out of breath* Aw, fuck! (Aleks) It’s like everyday with this kid, dude. (Aleks) *exhales* Ah (Aleks) *under breath* ha.. fuck (Aleks) *sighs* *water running in background under Aleks’ breathing* (mouth full) Which one do you think works better? Leave a comment.. down below
*Aleks and water still in background* *thud* *clack* *gags* haaah.. hah (catching breath) (Aleks) Give me a second *exhale* A watermelon keg! Whaaaat? That’s real? That’s a real thing. *shhhk shhhk shhhk shhhk shhhk* *slurps* *chokes* *coughing* (Aleks) Holy fuck *munch,,,, munch* (Aleks) Oh actually this is is for the..
*crinkling plastic* hole in the side. (mouth full) This is a pretty good watermelon *om* Yeah, it’s not bad, is it? You just fuckin’ eat it ‘n.. whatever *shhhk shhhk shhhk shhhk shhhk* (Aleks) Ew, what the fuck? You hear that? *splosh splosh splosh* How often you get to hear something like that?
(Aleks) *laughing* ha ha ha What the fuck?
(both laugh) Not a whole lot (James) *wheezes gleefully* Ooh, some watermelon and ketchup?
Yes, please! (James) Ew.. Ewww That’s actually really good! *mustard sputters out* What the-! *nom* *coughs violently* *disgusted shudder* *confusion??* (laughing) (laughing) What is *that* like? *gags* *sshk shkk shhk shhk* *splashing* (James) Alright.. I think you just, like, tilt it, I guess and.. (James) What?! (Aleks) Look at that, dude.
You want some? *sighs* *reluctant* Yeah.. I guess I do.. (Aleks) *snickering* Dude, you gotta, like, lean your head back (James) *scoffs and curses under breath* Well then, *groan* Okay, okay *trickling quietly* (James) *gags* (Aleks) Sorry (James) *half choking* It said to fill it up with your favorite DRINK. (Aleks) You’re not opening your mouth wide enough (James) *sighs* *mustard squelches out* *James gags and sputters* *wheezing cough* *Brand thuds on screen*
*cow moos* (Aleks) *with echo* I’m literally gonna boycott this show. Hey guys. Thanks for watching this episode of Amazon Oh my god, uuhhh If you want to watch some other.. content.
There’s some stuff here on the side. *thickly* uum *mumbles* -links in description below like Reddit and Twitter and ummmm merchandise, so we cou- we could we could really use it if you guys would..
just buy some of that merchandise *sniff* -help us out a lot and subscribe, too! Make sure you subscribe.

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