Funny Or Die’s Best Holiday Sketches – Part 1

(Christmas music) – [Narrator] Avi Rosen loves the holidays. – We’re gonna have so much
fun with my family tomorrow. (record scratch)
– Your family? (rapid typing) – [Narrator] But this season… (typing) – Thanksgiving and Hanukkah
are on the same day? – [Narrator] You’ll get two
holidays for the price of one. – Hi. – Avi!
– Avi, how are you! (Avi groans) – [Avi’s Wife] Who was that? – If anything, it feels more convenient. – But my in-laws can’t
know that I’m Jewish. – Why, they don’t already know? I really don’t see what the problem is. – [Narrator] It’s double the trouble when it comes to one man’s family. – Amen. – Where are you going? Avi! – Nothing weird going on. – Are those latkes? – These? No! These are turkeys. Tiny turkeys. – Why are we sitting in a garage? – Here’s the tur — I gotta go! – [Narrator] He’ll do his
best to keep it together, even if that means keeping everyone apart. – Have you met my in-laws? They’re not Jewish. – No, I get what the premise is, but it just feels like
a manufactured conflict. – Excited to cut the torah — the turkey! The torah’s a turkey! – Your husband seems to be very nervous. – What are you acting so crazy about? (smoke alarm going off) – I keep confusing two things. Hot hot hot hot hot hot hot . I got a hot menorah here
— I mean pumpkin pie! I mean a turkey! I mean a turkey pie! – There’s something wrong with
the logic in this situation. – Coming! – Is that a yarmulke on your pilgrim hat? Why is he even wearing a
pilgrim hat in the first place? – [Narrator] Sometimes, two
families aren’t better than one. – First and foremost, we
have to thank the Maccabees. – Maccabees? – Uh, who were — – Who gives a Thanksgiving speech? – I actually have a better speech right — – Religiously, Hanukkah is not a big deal. – Having us here tonight is idiotic. – [Narrator] It’s not
actually a problem for anyone. – Wait, I can be at both dinners at once. I’ll build a dummy of myself and then use a remote
control to move it around. – Do you know anything about robotics? – [Narrator] Except for this guy. – [Avi’s Wife] I know you’re
in there celebrating Hanukkah with your parents. – Let her in! – Shh! – [Narrator] It’s a made up problem. (Avi making various sounds) Avi is … (Avi screaming) The crazy man. – Anyway, the next thing you
know, it’ll be Christmas! – (laughs) Christmas? (reflective piano music) – Hello. Today we’re gonna talk about “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.” ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was
stirring, not even a mouse; All the stockings were hung
by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas
soon would be there; The children were hung. Oh. Fuck, I sound like a goddamn — – [Derek Waters] You sound great. – Okay. I’m sorry guys. Guys, I’m sorry. And mama and her k- her- uh-uh. And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap had just settled our brains
for a long winter’s nap. When out on the lawn there
arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to
see what was the matter. I sprang from my bed. Fuck. No, this is bad. This is really bad. – [Derek] Stop saying
that, you’re doing great. – Okay. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw open sash. And what to my wondering
eye should appear, but a sleigh full of deer and a… A sleigh full of reindeer. Fuck. I’m sorry man. – [Derek] Why? You’re doing great.
– Can I like, go back or whatever?
– [Derek] Why? You got it. – Okay. With a little old driver
so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. More rapid than eagles, his
course should they came, and he whistled and shouted
and called them by name: On Dancer! On Prancer! On… Shower and Blitzen! On… They may have — I may have
already names all of the guys. I’m sorry man, I’m not
trying to fuck it up, man. I’m trying to like, do the – [Derek] You are doing it, everything. – Oh my God. To the top of the portal,
to the top of the wall! On dash away, dash away, dash away oh. And then with a twinkling
I heard with a hoof, the prancing and prowling
with each little hoof. His eyes, how they twinkled. His cheeks were like jelly. His bowl, full of… jelly. I’m so goddamn drunk. Derek, I drank since 2:30 today. (laughs) – [Derek] Allan, let’s
just try reading it. – He spoke not a word but
went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings,
then turned with a jerk. And laying his finger aside his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose. (chewing) and I heard him exclaim
as he drove out of sight, “Happy Christmas to all,
and to all a good night!” (triumphant Christmas music) I fucked it all up guys, goddamn it. – [Derek] You didn’t fuck anything up! What are you talking about? You did the whole thing
and that’s fuckin’ hard. – Goddamn it, I fucked it all up. – [Derek] Do you realize
that you’re drunk? (drink spills) (upbeat Christmas music) – [Narrator] Julia Donovan
had the perfect suburban life. – Hey guys! – [Narrator] A nice house,
a wonderful husband, and two beautiful children. – Hey kids, we got you
an elf on the shelf! – He sits on the shelf
and reports back to Santa, so be extra good. – [Narrator] But something was missing. – Look mommy, he’s cute! – Um, yeah, he is. – We’re gonna name him Peppermint! – Peppermint. Where should I put you? – [Peppermint] Some club
soda will get that out. – You’re real. – And you’re beautiful. (intense music plays) – Look mom, he really moved! – [Narrator] A forbidden romance. – Oh he did, didn’t he? – [Narrator] And a secret so small… – We can’t keep doing this. – [Narrator] It’s impossible to hide. – I didn’t even make it to
the North Pole last night. Santa’s gonna kill me. – To hell with Santa. (music intensifies) – Mommy! We can’t find Peppermint. – [Peppermint] He sees
us when we’re sleeping. I could lose my job! – I want you out of my workshop, now! – That’s mine. (whipping) – Damn it, Julia, Christmas is over! Why are you putting up that stupid elf?! – He’s not stupid! (Peppermint yelling) – [Narrator] Elf on the Shelf: the movie. Coming Valentine’s Day 2017. – I just got cucked by an elf. (dance music) – That was just a taste.


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