MONOPOLY: The Sketch

You have died of dysentery. For the last time, Jim, this is Dungeons&Dragons, not Oregon Trail! Well SO-RRY for trying to make this more true to life! Jim, the game has “dragons” in the title. This is not true to life. I’ve wandered through the Spirit Realm for five turns without missing my daily sacrifice… so stop trying to kill me! Well your sacrifices suck! Chi energy?! What the hell do I even do with that? The Spirit Realm has no physical form, it’s all I had! I’ll show you how a real sacrifice is made! Jim! Jim! That’s enough! Stop it! I know you’re upset, but don’t take it out on the lamb! *desperate scream* That’s Malcolm’s cousin in a lamb costume -wait, why is he even here? Ritualistic purposes it isn’t important! I think we should all relax and play a new game. Lewis: I think we should all go home! Lambs don’t talk, Lewis! Any ideas? I, umm… I got Monopoly. *murmurs of agreement* It’s the millennial edition, so you know, it has real credit cards and cities. Malcolm: God dammit, Randy… A dark storm riles, and the night grow cold – No gods in Monopoly, Jim. This game is about capitalism. Fine! But I get the shoe! Malcolm: I call top hat. Randy: Battleship! No, Monopoly…and I’ll take the shoe. But I had the shoe. There’s only one shoe? Who only owns one shoe? Cody (reaching for car): Ugh, fine. That’s 30 million for moi, 20 million for Randy and Cody aaaand 100,000 in debt for Jim. What?!
*POVERTY!* The hell, dude? Why do I get less money?! Well, I’m the top hat, the crème de la crème, if you will. Randy’s an admiral in charge of a battleship and Cody’s got a nice car, so they’re both well-to-do. You, my friend, are a single shoes with no laces. You’ll have to work for your fortune. I demand reform! Spread the wealth! I am the 99 percent! Ha! More like the bottom five! Ok. I get it.Gang bang the little guy! That…I don’t think you know what that term means. Well you’ll know what I mean when I occupy… Detroit in protest! Oh my! It seems I’ve dropped a penny! And I a dime! We need to do something about this If the government takes Jim side on this, we’re in for it. We’re alike, you and me. We need to get rid of Jim and Malcolm. I’m listening. What do you say I purchase your military might? You’re free to expand your business, we enforce the law in Detroit. But the law prohibits this type of collusion! We enforce part of the law in Detroit. Fine. Come on, where the – ? No. There it is. There you go. Pleasure doing business with you. It’s your turn, Randy. If you keep us waiting again I think we’re going to have to impose a tardiness fine. I think we need to talk. You see the problem here, don’t you, Malcolm? I’m out of cigarettes? Close, but… no cigar. Well, well, well… So you wish to concede? I’m afraid my terms are non negotiable. If only you’d called this meeting sooner I might’ve been more lenient with you. Good day, sir. Wait a minute… I can explain! MALCOLM! Nice try, you son of a bitch! I tried to do this peacefully, Jim now these hotels are going up whether they’re founded on your dead body or not! I’m not moving… from this spot! Think of the beautiful planet our children will never get to see!!! It’s DETROIT, Jim!! Not so fast, Malcolm! Whaaa? What are you doing here? Do you have any idea how many violations you’ve committed? But we had a deal! I promised I help in your militarizing South East Asian territories, but I never agreed to this! Cody: Oh, Randy, Randy, Randy… You see, you still owe me a remaining 3 bombardments in exchange for your payment 23 round ago. And 55 rounds ago I swore allegiance to clear Detroit’s natural reserves in exchange for a 30 percent royalty on any and all buildings erected… …on the premises. You monster! You were the one who set up the trade embargo on all of the Orange Cities! I did what I had to do after the Great War of Round 588-594… I couldn’t take any chances! Sorry, Randy. But business is business. I didn’t want to have to do this… *knife schling* My knife! All right! It seems I have to settle the score… I’ve got a submarine that been trailing you for the last 95 rounds, Randolph, and do you know what kind of heat it’s packing? No, don’t! You’ve gone too far! That’s right, I’m talking nuclear! I’ve got a bunker already establish in Kiev! Randy: But. You. Forget! It’s my turn now, and I have Jim working for me! He’s been making a million a round, and now it’s time! He pushed that nuke button ten in-game minutes ago! No! Yes! Not you, too! You see, I’ve only been pulling you along this whole time! It was Randy and I all along! Isn’t that right, Randy?! …Randy? I’m… I’m sorry… but I had to cut my losses in order to establish good relations with Jim. But… I’m sorry, Cody. The Lord is my shepherd… Snake eyes… Beep beep beep beep beepbeepbeepbeeeeeeee…. I win.


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