Not the Nine O’Clock News – “Toilets” sketch in full


Good morning. Good morning, sir. Um. I’d like a new bathroom. Um. I’d like to put one together … like it says outside. Of course, sir. That one. Ah, yes, the cork. Very nice. Well, of course you’ll be wanting a toilet. Ah, yes! Yes, obviously. Hmm. Well, actually, not obviously, because you can have one separate. No, no, no! No, I need a toilet … no doubt about that. OK. Now, will you have a bath or
a shower, sir? Er, a bath, I think. A bath.There we are. Of course, you can, erm, you can have a
shower as well, in the corner, here. Ah, yes. Um. Erm, you’ll see. And, it’s the same color. Yes, a shower isn’t as much use as a toilet, is it really? Well, no, no, I suppose it isn’t really. No. Well, let’s have a toilet then. Er, yes but you’ve already got one toilet, sir. Ah, yes. Yes. Right. Erm. How about, how about a nice, how about a nice heating rack there. Ah, yes! Um, for drying towels and things. That’s right.Yes.yes. Hmm. A heating rack isn’t as much use as a toilet, is it? Well. No, no, I suppose not. No… Well, let’s have a toilet, then. That’s, that’s, that’s three toilets… Ah, yes. Er, in case of blockage. Yes, right. I see… What else do you have to offer? Well, er. Ah. Well, we have, we have, we have, the, the sink unit, of course. Which… Oh. And where would I put Well it would go, it would go in, I think, quite nicely there, wouldn’t it? Ah, bit of a gap here, isn’t there? Er, yes. Yes, there is. Well, let’s have another toilet. That’s, that’s now four toilets you, erm, you’ve
got, sir. Erm… Ah, yes. In fact the bath’s taking up a lot of room. Yes, but, after all, it is a bathroom, isn’t it, sir? No, I prefer a shower. I prefer a shower. Take out the bath. Put in the shower. And we’ll have a couple of toilets in there, I think, where the bath was. Six toi, six, six, erm, six toilets… Yes. And, erm, I’ll stick a toilet in the shower. To kill two birds with one stone. Yes. Well that’s now, er, seven, seven toilets… Hmm, yes. Can’t have too much of a good thing, can you? In fact, do you have any more? No. I’m afraid we don’t have any more, sir. You have used up our entire stock. Oh, no! No I haven’t! Here’s one! Ahh! Now, this is, this is the size I was looking for!

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