These Sketches Put In The Work


-Hey y’all! We got a
compilation video for you! -Say what? -On the job. -Wow. -Yeah. What’s your favorite
job you’ve had, Tori? -I was a repo person
for like three years, and I cleaned out
people’s houses, and they’d leave Xboxes,
and I’m like, it’s mine now! -My favorite job is working
on a sketch comedy show. -[stammering] Yep, you should
watch the video. Narrator:This week–-Why is this happening to me?-On TV’s number one
office reality show.
-I need that shipment today.-Only six contestants remain.-This is a two
million dollar deal.-Who will meet expectations?As the stakes rise,Jeremy becomes assertive
to get the job done.
-I need this done right away! Right away!-As Mallory becomes
pushy and overbearing.
-I need this done right away. -Okay. -Thank you.-As sales halt, Stephen is
understandably stressed.
-Get out of here! Get out of here!-While Whitney’s hormones
are completely flipping out.
[cat noise]Calm down, kitty!And with deadlines looming,James uses his charm to
close the deal.
-Feeling that relaxing?-While Natalie flirts
her way to the top.
Floozy.On the next episode will
Jeremy land the ad campaign?
What is she wearing?Where will James go on his date?-And we’ll put the glass
ceiling in right here.-Ugh, can women talk
about anything else?
Is Stephen being tapped for CEO?I bet her kids are home alone.This Friday, be sure to
catch all the intensity,
and all the hysteria,
only on Expectations.
We’re all contestants.Jason:Uh, Mr. Hartman,
your 3:00 appointment is here. -Oh, that’s right. This is the one you
referred, correct? -Uh, yes. My roommate. Oh, and uh– Just so you know, he’s fairly
new to the business world. -Young guy, huh? -Yeah. -Wet behind the ears? Spencer:Actually I am.My nanny got a
little carried away with bath time this morning. -What is this nonsense? -I assure you, Mr. Hartman,
this is no nonsense. This is an interview. One on one. Mano y baby. -Sir, this is Spencer. -A pleasure, sir. -Wow, Spencer. Jason didn’t tell
me that you were– -Very handsome? [laughs] He often fails to mention that. -Yes. That. -Excuse me, Jason. Do you by chance have a
high chair or a bumbo? -Oh, uh, no, sorry. -No matter. Just set me down on the desk. I like to be close. And if you’ll just give me a
moment to find my center, I just learned how to
sit up this morning. Yes, tHank you Jas– That’s– That’s perfect. -Thank you, Jason. So Spencer, tell me a little
bit about your background. -Would you like to know of
my previous work experience? -You’ve worked other places? -Oh, yes. Prior to this,
I was a chiropractor, but my patients
seemed uncomfortable. -Because of your tiny hands? -I was going to say because
of my insurance policies. -Oh, uh– Yeah. -Are you uncomfortable
with my tiny hands? -No. No, I’m not. I should warn you this job
isn’t a walk in the park. -Oh, neither was birth,
which I remember vividly. -I’ll take your word for that. -And who knows? Perhaps one day I could even
sit where you’re sitting. -[laughs] We’ll see. Let’s not get premature. -I was premature. -I’m so sorry. -I’m totally kidding. I was actually two weeks late. Mother’s womb was
much too cozy. [laughs] Oh, what a lark we just had. Oh, uh, sir? Jason seems to have left
my diaper bag by the door. I wonder if you might be
able to get it for me. -Oh, of course. -Thank you ever so much. -This one, right? -Well, well, well. It seems I’m already
ordering you around. -Why, you little– -Uh-uh-uh. Wouldn’t want to say
something you’d regret to your superior,
would you? -You sitting in my chair does
not make you my superior. -Oh, no? Burp me. -What? -Burp me. -I don’t understand. -Take the Oscar the Grouch
cloth out of that bag and expel the air bubbles from
my under-developed stomach. -I won’t do it. You’re a madman. -Perhaps, but if
you don’t burp me, air will build up in
my digestive tract, causing me to cry. Are you refusing to
help a crying infant? -Yes. -[cries] -Stop, stop. -I can get louder. [cries louder] -Okay, okay, okay. I’ll do it. -There we go. A little higher please,
towards the shoulders. There we– [burps] Oh, excuse me. I seem to have gotten a
bit of half-digested formula on your suit. -It’s no problem. -That’s right. It isn’t. That will be all, Hartman. Thank you. Hartman:Is thereanything
I can get you, or– -I’ll let you know. -Do you want this
open or closed? -Open, please. Oh, on second thought,
leave it open. Hmm, perhaps I acted
a little too hastily. Jason? -Yes, sir. -Send Hartman back in. I need a diaper change. [door opens and closes] -Happy birthday, Whitney! -Oh, hey thanks Matt,
you’re the best! -No, you are. Seriously, the best. -Yeah? Oh, well how did you know? Did you find out on
Facebook or something? -Yeah, yeah, Facebook. Anyway, I got you a present. -Oh, a present? Matt, you didn’t have to. -Oh, it didn’t cost me anything. -Oh yeah? Was it homemade or something? Like a giant collage
of the two of us or something else
incredibly creepy? -Nope, it’s this. -Oh, good. I’m glad the present
is so small. I had an ex-boyfriend once that got me this really
expensive diamond necklace. It kind of ruined
the relationship, taking things too seriously. -[laughs nervously] Yeah, whoops. This is just a
fancy box of Nerds. No, your present is here. -You know, I should have known the relationship was
on the rocks, though, when he wrote me this really
sappy song on the guitar. -Yeah, that’s so mushy. You probably want
something more reliable like an appliance or something. -Yeah, because nothing
says I love you like a refrigerator, right? -[laughs] Yeah. -No, if you really want to
get me something reliable, find me a car that doesn’t
break down all the time, right? Now that would be creepy. -I’m sorry, your gift is
just taking a moment. Do you have any allergies? -No. I thought I was allergic
to pet dander once, when my parents had this stupid
idea to rent a petting zoo for my 17th birthday. [goat bleating] -But you know, at least they didn’t
get me a boat or two tickets to Disneyland,
or I don’t know, something else incredibly
over-the-top. -Well, that’s not the case here, because I got you ink
cartridges for your printer. -That is exactly what I needed! Matt, this is the
best present ever! -Really? -Yes! Oh, thank you so much. Seriously! Nothing else would make
me happier, nothing. If you got me anything else, I would hate it because
it would be creepy. [mariachi band starts playing] -Sorry, that’s my new ringtone. James:So, uh,are you doing
anything this weekend? -Uh, yeah, I’m pretty– -Hey, guys, check it out! I went to the flea market, and I
totally got this new mood ring. -Uh, I’m sorry, is it 1997
or are you an idiot? -Okay. Well, mood rings
are coming back, and this one’s crazy accurate. And it speaks, listen.-I’m feeling excited.-I am excited! Look. -Yeah, why would you
want a talking mood ring? -Yeah. -Man, it tells you your mood. Come on! -No, that is not a reason
to want a talking– -Okay, you just
have to try it on. -No. -You would love it. -Stacey, stop doing that. -We’re about to start
the meeting in a minute. -Just try it!-I’m feeling annoyed.-Oh. It’s accurate. -Yeah, well,
it’s not coming off. -Here, just twist it. -I told you not to put
it on there at the– -No, there it is. -Please have a seat, everyone. As you probably noticed,
Mr. Avery is not here. He passed away
this past weekend. -Oh. -What? -He was, uh, very old,
but very dear to this company.-I’m feeling happy.-Who said that?-I’m feeling panicked.-It was James’
talking mood ring! James:What?Come on.-I’m feeling betrayed
by my secret crush.
-What? -I– -No. -Are you saying you’re
happy that Mr. Avery died? -No. -That man was like
a father to me, James. -No, no, it’s very sad!-I’m feeling ecstatic.-Be quiet!-I’m feeling romantic.-Uh, it does that
when it gets warm. -Ew. -What is going on? -I’m sorry, sir. Avery was a great man, but he
always did paperwork wrong, and I always had to redo it. But that’s all. It’s just a little–-I’m feeling lying.-That’s not a mood,
you stupid ring!-I’m feeling extremely angry
and not wearing deodorant.
-No! -Ew! -That. No. What? -How about we just calm down? Calm down. -That was– Okay. Fine! Fine. I’m calm.-I’m feeling like
a little baby girl
with a pretty bow on her head.-That’s not! I’ve never felt that since– You! This is your fault! -You got to stop
letting it rule you, because this is– You’re in a meeting! -You will sit down! You know what? I’ve had a bad day today,
and I got a meeting to conduct, so you two better
shut up or get out! -I’m really sorry. -Lips sealed. -That’s okay, let’s
just try to move on. Let’s go over shipping
and receiving. Uh, lately we’ve been getting
complaints from the customers because the shipping area is–-I’m feeling bored.-No! -All right! Listen, you little,
insensitive imbecile, if you ever wear that ring
in my presence ever again, even for a second,
I promise you will regret it! -I’m so sorry.-I’m feeling romantic.-Ahh! -No! No! It’s just my sweaty hands! -You’re too close,
you’re too close! -Get out! -Give him some space. -Both of you! -Maybe call me for a thing? -No! ♪♪ -Hey, Wallace. Thanks for planning this party. And congratulations on
a good tax season. -You too, Rhonda. -So why aren’t you out
on the dance floor? Don’t think I’ve forgotten your
signature sprinkler move. -I can’t this year. My doctor says I have fluid
buildup in my rotator cuff, so, no extreme arm
movements for me. -Oh, that’s too bad. I remember you
brought the party to a whole new level last year. -That was fun. -That was fun! -Really fun. -Yeah. -Hey, there’s the party animal. -Hey, Randall. -So, when are you going to
bring out that sprinkler move? -Oh, he can’t this year. -My doctor says that
I have fluid buildup in my rotator cuff. -Oh, is it from doing
the lawnmower? I remember that got crazy at
Donald’s Christmas party. -When Vern spiked the
sugar-free eggnog with the not sugar-free eggnog. -Everyone was crazy. -Everyone was crazy. -Really crazy. -So crazy. So, was it from that? -No, my doctor says I’ve been
sleeping on my shoulder too much so I need to
sleep on my back. -Oh. -Hey, you guys see Linda? She’s creaming us in limbo. -Oh man, Linda’s a hoot.-[chanting]: Linda,
Linda, Linda.
-There she goes. -We should call
her Limbo Linda. -Oh, that’s funny. -That is funny. -I love how funny that is. -Yeah, so funny. -Hey guys, it looks like
we should call Linda Limbo Linda now. -That’s so funny, Gregory. -It was Wallace’s idea. -That’s so funny, Wallace. Stacey:Very funny, Wallace.-Wallace is very funny. -That really got me. -Thank you. -Hey, when are you going to
whip out that sprinkler move? That was really the highlight
of last year’s party. Rhonda:Oh,Wallace can’t
dance this year. -Yeah, he sleeps too
much on his shoulder. -I have fluid buildup
in my rotator cuff. -Wow. -Whoa, it’s already 7:00. -Nuh-uh. -That late? -You’re joking. -No, I’m not joking. -All: Wow. -Must be all the
excitement from tax party. -All: Yeah. -Hey everyone. I just want to thank everyone– Oh, can we turn this
music off real quick? That was loud. -Rowdy in here. -I want to thank everyone
for a great tax season and thank everyone for a great
end-of-the-tax-season party. -All: Yeah. -But, it’s after seven,
so we ought to clean up. -All right. -Get this to the kitchen. -Make sure we’re ready
for our fight club. -Yay. -First up to fight, we have
Gregory and Wallace. -Oh, I can’t this year,
I have fluid buildup– [bell] [yelling] [rock music] [yelling] ♪♪ -Hey Whitney? You there? You there Whitney? Hi, can I talk to
Whitney’s husband? Hey Tim, this is Hank. Yeah, Whitney’s boss. Yeah, I was calling to
finalize tonight’s plans for Whitney’s surprise
birthday party? Sure I can hold. [cell phone moo-ing] -Hey, look Mom. I can’t talk right now. Yeah, I told you I don’t work
on a farm anymore. Got me a desk job. Well why don’t you just
go onto the Google and type in how to
slaughter a cow? All right, I’ll walk
you through it. Just hold your horses. Yeah, I’m pretty sureWhitney
doesn’t suspect a thing.
Uh-huh.Yeah, so just to double checkwe’re all going to meet up
at six o’clock
and then catch her off guard
when she gets home from work?
Okay. Now the first thing you want to
do is stay out of her way ’cause she’s
a big ‘ol heifer. Yeah. She’ll crush you
like a Coke can. You know as well as I she’s
been fattening up all winter. Oh, and make sure to sedate her before sherealizes
she’s being attacked
or she’ll struggle
something awful.
My how that cow can bellow.Yeah, all of Whitney’s
friends know about it. Yep, they’re excited
to see it go down. Going to be the
party of the year. Whole office is in on it.Even the guys down at
the parking garage.
Hey, yeah, look, it doesn’t matter what you
use to knock her out. Okay?Yeah.Just grab yourself some
chloroform, tranquilizer darts,
two-by-four upside the head–-Tim, pick up, pick up! -Hey, thanks Tim. I couldn’t have done
this without you. -Maybe it’s a different Tim. -I mean every husband plans
on doing something like this, but how many actually
go through with it? Okay, I got to go. Uh-huh. Yeah, just make sure and kill
her quick so she doesn’tsuffer.We don’t want to hurt her,
we just want to eat her.
Okay. Hey, we’ll see you soon Tim. Okay. Yeah, hope you’re
as hungry as I am. Okay. -All right boss. Everything is ready for tonight. I’ve got the blindfold
and the baseball bat. -Yee-haw. -Matt. Did you see last night’s episode
of Knight’s Kingdom? -You know it. -Please do not
discuss the episode. I had to work late last night so
I have it DVR’d at home. Mallory:You haven’t
seen it yet? You’re going to love it. -Stop spoiling it
you vile woman! Matt:Whoa.Relax dude. She just said you’ll love it. I agree, it’s a
really good episode. -Well, you will shut your
mouth little man. Or I will shut it for you! -Whoa. Why are you being so paranoid? We haven’t given anything away! -Oh great. Now I know everything. I don’t even need to
see it anymore. -There’s no way you could have learned
anything about the episode from what we said. -Oh really sweet cheeks? Well Mallory said that
she loved the episode. She also has a history of liking
violence and deception which means the main
character’s son must have been killed
by his evil cousin after their attempt to overthrow
the kingdom went afoul. -Whoa. -Matt hasn’t had a good thing
to say about the show since last season on episode six when the court jester
fell off a table while making fun of the king. -Yeah, that was pretty funny. -This shows that Matt has a
preference for slapstick humor, which means that
the fat friar must have fallen off his horse whilst delivering a sermon after
sneaking into the town pub. -This guy makes Sherlock
Holmes look like Lindsay Lohan. -I’m not finished. Whitney said nothing
has been given away, but then she looked
down at her feet, which clearly means that the
queen must have written a letter to the rival warlords asking to
form a secret alliance. I thought the letter was
written in the morning, but then I remembered that
Whitney had blinked twice so clearly the letter
was written at night! -I’ve seen the
episode three times and you know more than I do. -Well fortunately I haven’t
figured out the ending. -Hey guys. -Oh. Great! So the king dies. Thanks Jeremy! -The king didn’t die. -Oh good. -The prince did. [disgruntled sounds] -Oh, Tom! Please have a seat. We are so excited that you agreed to market
our new product for us! We know you’re the
best in the business. -Please, it’s my pleasure, Phil. I’ve heard nothing but good
things about your company. -Well, we’re a small firm, but we really think the L9000 is
going to put us on the map, and with your
marketing help– [energetic talent agent voice]:
We’re going places, kid! You’ve got that can-do spirit that really drives
the public batty! You give them something they
can fix their peepers on, and before you know it, blam-o! You’re in money up
to your trousers! -Um, what? -I am so sorry, Tom. I guess you haven’t
heard this about me. I suffer from a bit
of a condition. The doctors don’t have a
medical name for it yet, but commonly it’s known as
1930’s Big Idea Man Tourette’s. -Oh, I see. -Yeah, I probably shouldn’t
carry around giant wads of cash. -Wow. Well– -Anyway, as I was saying, the
L9000 is really made to be used. It’s lightweight,
easy to handle. -Yes, it’s very
aesthetically pleasing. -[resumes voice]: You like it? Well check out this doo-dad! Feast your peepers on
this thing-a-ma-jig! I got a million of
them, I tells you! A million of them! A-cha-cha-cha! [normal voice]: I am so sorry. -No, it’s okay. -What I meant to say was if
you look at this button here– -Yes, it’s very easy to use. -Yes, I’m sorry Tom, it just flares up when I
get excited, you know. -Are you sure this is
a real condition? -[resumes voice]: You
bet your bottom dollar! [slap] [normal voice]: It is. Tens of people are
afflicted by it. -Well, like I said earlier, I’ve heard nothing but good
things about you, Phil, so I’m not one to let a
medical condition– -[resumes voice]: Well, you’re
not so bad yourself, kiddo! Not so bad yourself! You’ve got moxie, kid! You got the “it” factor! I-T it! Why, I want to assign you
to a three-picture deal with Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer! [1930’s swing music starts] King of the motion pictures! The talkies, the flickers,
the golden age of cinema! Why, I see your name in lights! Semi, the Calabash Kid! The Cowamalami Kid! The Prince of the Great White
Way, and that’s not all! I hear your voice in
every home in America, singing the hits on
the old squawk-box! Singing with people like Randall
Mississippi, Phil on saxophone, and Samwell “The Jimmy Legs”
Johnson on mouth harp. [normal voice]: You know, Tom,
maybe we should reschedule. -No, no, no! It’s okay. [imitates voice]: We can
do business, kid! -That was incredibly offensive. -What? -Get off my table. Natalie:In any career,
in any business,if you know how to be a leader,
you’re going to be successful.
Chances are, most of you
have already been a leader. For example, take a
look at this list. I want each of you to stand up.Go ahead.Stand up.As I read off these roles,I want you to sit downif you’ve
ever been one of those roles. President,CEO, mentor,
older sibling,parent.President,CEO, mentor,
older sibling,parent.See, I’m only halfway
through the list and most of you are
already sitting down.Let’s finish the list and I’m
sure we’ll get to you too.
Manager,team lead,
chief, captain– -Aye! Avast ye landlubbers! Aye. Natalie:Okay, um,have you
ever been first in a race? Ever given directions
to someone? Oh, I got one, have you ever been the first
to cross the crosswalk?There we go.Um, have you ever given
anyone any advice? Made a suggestion? Done service for someone? Complimented someone? Okay, okay, you know what? That’s fine, that’s fine. You haven’t been a leader. I’m sure you’ve seen
examples of leaders! Do you have any older siblings? Okay, parents. -[cries] -Oh, okay. Have you ever been
older than someone? -No. -Okay, that’s impossible. How old are you? -[sounds of confusion] -Have you ever had a teacher? -[sounds of confusion] -You are a grown man, how
have you not had a teacher? -[sounds of confusion] Natalie:You know what,hey! Me! I’m a teacher. Great! I am your example of a leader. So we all haven’t been
leaders yet, that’s okay. We’re here to learn.You may sit.[clears throat]As the great chinese
philosopher Lao Tze once said, “leadership is what separates
us from the animals. “to be human is to be a leader. “If you’ve never been a leader, “you’ve never really
been human and there is no
point to your life.”Oh.Moving on. -Hey guys! Hope you’re enjoying
these videos. -I like them. -Keep watching, cause we
got a lot more coming up. Yeah. You were a puppeteer. -I was! -That sounds more
fun than repo. -It is a lot more fun, because
the kids are like, I love you! And also, it’s going to eat you. -Terrible answer, repossessing. -Okay guys, we need
one more sketch, and we literally have 25
minutes before we go on. Any funny ideas? Anything. -I keep wanting to write
a sketch about birds. I don’t have any ideas, but I
think the idea is golden. Whitney:Okay wait.What if we hada live
birth in a sketch? -Ew, what? -Yeah! -What on earth would be
funny about that at all? -You know, the miracle of life! Life is funny! It’d be ironic or something. The hipsters would
really love it. -Totally, yeah. -Oh, have an idea. Okay, so an old guy and a pig, they walk into a doctor’s
office, because twist, the guy has polio and
he needs an amputation. Matt:No, let me stop
you
right there. Mallory, we have
talked about this. We can’t make jokes
about diseases. Let’s go over the
list one more time. Mallory:Okay.The list.-Actually, Michael
Jackson is okay. Mallory:Yeah, finally.-I really want to
write a sketch that’s progressive
and different. Matt:Yes.-About birds. -No. -Okay, so what if we
have ghost sheets on, except for we’re not ghosts. We’re owls. And we start hooting
and hooting. Hoot! Hoot! And then one of us starts
to waddle like a penguin, and we’re like, what’s going on? I don’t know. And then finally, the last
person takes out a feather, and places it like
so on the ground. -Wow. That was really
beautiful, Jason. Did you just come up with that? -It literally flew into my head. -Flew in. -And flew out. -Flew out. -Like a bird. -Yes! -Yeah, this one. I like it. -No, I’m sorry. That wasn’t a joke. That wasn’t a sketch. That’s nothing! There’s nothing
funny about that. And where did you
get that feather? -Ooh, I have a joke! I have a joke we could use. Knock, knock. -Who’s there. -Your father. -Your father who? -What do you mean? It’s your father, let me inside. -Wait, what? -Can’t you recognize
your own father’s voice? Have some respect
for your elders! Your mother just died of
polio, for crying out loud! -I do like that polio. -I forgot to not
joke about polio. It’s too bad, because the rest
of it was really working. -I was kind of confused. -Okay, wait. What if we had a sketch set in
the trenches of World War I, and there’s blood and gangrene
everywhere, and I’m missing a finger– -No, guys! Can you not have an idea
that isn’t so bleak? Come on! Missing fingers? Let’s consult the idea jar. Fat. Okay, see, we’re already
off to a great start. Fatness is funny. Let’s write a sketch
about a fat burn victim. Okay. Seriously, we can’t
make jokes about that! We’ll just depress people! -Whoa, wait, I got it. What if this is the
opening sketch? -That sounds like
a terrible idea. -No. And we’re in that
sketch right now. -And I have polio. Jason:Yes!-Yeah! ♪♪ – Ah, I’m so excited our
mall finally got an A&M. – Hello, credit card debt. – Guys, get down! – Uh, what? Okay. – That was close. – What is wrong with you? – There’s a kiosk right
in front of the A&M. – So? – Oh.It’s worse than I thought;
he is selling hand lotion. – Why is that bad? – Because the more useless
the product, the moreaggressive
the salesman, Whitney.
It’s kiosk Darwinism. – Don’t you think you’re
being overly dramatic? – That guy is really good. I don’t even have hands. [chanting] – Oh.That wasdisturbing. What do we do? – I’ll go. – No! – Don’t worry,
I’ll be back, but not before I get you
that adorable spring jacket and matching blouse.– I’ll walk you through it,
Jeremy. What’s your number? – You don’t have
my phone number? We’ve been friends
since the second grade! – It’s a new phone. – You’ve got everyone
else’s number. – Okay, guys,
let’s just do this. – Fine. – All right, buddy,
stay sharp. – Oh, so now
I’m your buddy, huh? – Stay focused.And whatever you do,
do not make eye contact.
Look to the sides, Jeremy,
the sides are your friend.
Let your eyes
linger in the wings.
Okay, good job.Avert your eyes, Jeremy,
avert them.
You have to keep moving
your legs though, Jeremy!
Keep moving!– Lotion?– Jeremy?You there? Talk to me, buddy. You still with me, buddy?Say something![gasps] [chanting] – Jeremy, baby, are you okay? – It happened so fast. I couldn’t say no. – I’m going in. – No, it’s not
worth it. – There’s a two for
one sale on skinny jeans. – It’s totally worth it. – If I don’t make it, I want you to have my
15% off loyalty card. – Don’t you say that,
you’re going to be fine. But I will keep this. – Yeah, okay. – You there, Adam?– Roger that,
gold leader.
– Okay,
now whatever you do,avoid his gaze.Also, love thename
“gold leader,” let’s make that a thing.– Copy that.Hey, I think
I’m going to make it.
I see the entrance.It’s so close.Lotion man:Excuse me sir,
could I interest you
in a free lotion sample?– Ignore him, Adam,
I repeat, do not take the sample.– But it’s free.– Adam, no![screaming]– He’s gone.He’s gone.– If you buy three boxes,
you get a free loofah. Whitney:Guys, what do we do?A&M closes
in three minutes! – Whit, you stay here and
take care of the wounded. Natalie,
come with me. Okay,
I needa diversion,go pretend like
you’re interested
in buying something.– I’m afraid. – You can do this,
I just need 20 seconds. – Okay. Hey, man. I am a woman,
and I have dry skin and I need some lotion because
of how dry my skin is, and so I’m here to
buy some lotion. – Oh, you are
really bad at this. – You know,
if you purchase our super deluxe
package, I’ll… – What’s wrong,
why has he stopped talking? – I think he senses
I’m super poor. – You know,
if you refer a friend, Leo will throw in a bottle
of liquid nail shiner. – Ooh.– Don’t do it, Natalie,that’s just water
with glitter in it. – I refer him. – No! ♪♪ [crying] ♪♪ [panting] [gate creaking] – Oh. – Can I help you find anything? [screaming] ♪♪ – Ah. You must be Felix,
ze bright young inventor. – Ja, and you are? – I am Alex, your new
supervisor. – Do you have lots of
inventing experience? – No. Even better. I am ze owner’s son, so obviously I am
perfectly qualified. So what inventions have you
to show me? – Oh, well there’s one that
I am rather excited about. In the future, people will be
using cell phone devices, every man and woman, so I have created a machine
called voice mail. – Go on. – Ja. It will allow you to leave
messages on people’s phones and it will have
recorded instructions that teach you how to use it
for your first time. – No. Every time. We must teach them
every time. – But, won’t they know how
to use it after one time? – No. We must instruct them
every time. And it won’t be really,
really annoying. – Okay, if you say so. Oh, and then there’s this. In the future, people will
use elevator machines to get around and they will always be rushing
to catch the elevator, so I created a button called
“open door,” which will hold the
door open. – Ah, yes! We will have another button
called “close door.” Which will do nothing. – Why won’t it just
close the door? – [laughter]
That’s crazy talk. – Listen, Alex, maybe I will
stick to inventing and you can like work in
marketing or something. – No, the office is clear
across town and you know how
bad the traffic is. – Well I have something
that might help with that. It’s called a stoplight and it uses colors
to direct the traffic. – Ah, yes! And the color for “stop”
and the color for “go” will be the two colors that the
colorblind people cannot tell apart! – Alex, these are
really bad ideas. – Believe in yourself. – No, not my ideas. Your ideas! You’re ruining my inventions. – Nonsense. I am helping you. Oh! What is this? – No, don’t touch that. That is an alarm clock and it
uses soothing Beethoven music to wake you up
in the morning. – No. It will make a noise
like this. [alarm clock buzz-like sound] – What? No.Why would anybody want that?– [alarm clock sound] – Stop that! You’ll give me a seizure. You will give everyone
a seizure! – Oh, what is this? This looks nice. – Oh, this is Netflix. – Will be the home of all
lousy movies! – Oh, no! Please! Uh, TV remotes. – Will have hundreds of
buttons that do nothing. – Uh, YouTube. – Will launch the career of
Justin Bieber. – No! Please, I beg you. – No, relax, Felix. Together our inventions will
change the world. – Well at least I still have
one invention so simple even you cannot ruin it. The bathrobe. – No. The Snuggie! – No!– All right, everyone,I’d like you to meet Karen. We’re very excited to
have her here at Oil Corp. – It’s a privilege to be here. – Karen, this is
Darla from marketing. Ted’s one of our managers, and Chris is assigned
to play devil’s advocate in all of our meetings. All right, well,
let’s get started, shall we? Now, last week,
we discussed the possibility of opening up an oil refinery
just outside of Houston. Now, it looks good on paper,
but is there anything we should consider
before launching? – No. Not at all. – I mean, I read through it- – If I– if I could just play
devil’s advocate for a second. Instead of the refinery,
have we considered selling our souls to the devil
for immortality? – Excellent idea, Chris. – Yes, thank you. – Immortality. Good. – I’m sorry. Did you hear what he just said? – Oh. You’re right. We should definitely
think this through. Um, Darla, can you give me
a cost-benefit analysis on Chris’ proposal? – Sure. It looks like the main
benefit is immortality and the primary cost would be
selling our souls to the devil. – Great. Moving on. – All right. – What? – All right, now, our branch
in Alaska needs a new manager. Any suggestions? – Well, according
to the numbers, Ted’s been doing an
excellent job and he’s in line
for a promotion. – Yeah, he is. – Alternatively-
alternatively, if I could just play devil’s
advocate again. – Of course. – We could hold a séance and
then summon the ghost of oil tycoon
John D. Rockefeller. – Hm…– Hm…– So our options are Ted– – Mhm. – Or the reanimated
corpse of Rockefeller? – Exactly. – I got to go with
John D. on this one. – Yeah. – Just to clarify, we would have to sell our souls
to the devil. So… – We could sell Ted’s soul. – Great! – There we go. – Team player. – I don’t understand
what’s going on. – Maybe a visual aid
will help you. If you– if you look at
this graph right here, this red line
represents profits. This blue line represents
souls over time. This drop off happens when we shake the
icy hand of the devil and banish our souls
to the unquenchable fires of Hades for all of eternity. So… – All right. – I’m– I’m sorry. This isn’t a real solution. Is selling our souls supposed to
help us with our debt problem?– Not necessarily. We could also worship this. – Oh! – Great! – And then sell our souls.– Okay,we are not
selling our souls. – Relax, Karen. We’re oil executives. We’d hardly notice they’re gone! – Plus, our entire success
has been built on souls. – True. – That means… The record sales
quarter last month? – Five souls. – The new office computers? – Six souls. – That’s right. – The high score on the
Pac-Man in the breakroom? – That was actually 30 souls. I, uh…
ran out of quarters. So… – You see, the devil has done
wonders for the oil industry. – You know,
it’s almost his birthday. We should send him
a thank-you soul. – Good idea. – You should be
devil’s advocate. – I– I’m– I’m sorry. I don’t think this
is going to work out. – What? – If you’ll excuse me. – Karen! – Oh. – Well,
it’s probably for the best. – She obviously didn’t
have what it takes to make it in this industry. – No. – I suppose. [intercom beeps]– Sir, the devil
is here for Ted’s soul.
– All right, send him in. Ted, can I get you to sign
this in your own blood? Thank you. – Sure. – Oh, he brought his own. That’s great. – Oh, good. It’s a dagger. – Thank you. – Just in case. – Oh, yeah. [laughter] – [exhales] – Why are we sabotaging this little startup
company’s pitch meeting? – Because we are Atari. We invented Pong, the pinnacle of modern
man’s achievements. – Yeah, but don’t you think
laughing gas is going too far? I mean, it could really
mess them up. – Exactly! All of the ideas they pitch
will be awful, and our video game empire
will last forever.– Hey, Johnson,
can you get me the data
from that focus group?– Someone’s coming! Release the gas. [gas hissing] – All right, gentlemen,
let’s focus up! What ideas do we have
for our first big game? – All right, well,
our research indicates that, uh, 80s teenagers want games that
are simple, repetitive, and– [laughs] I am so sorry about that, uh… Okay, well, um,
our first game will feature a– I just got a really good idea. [laughs]
Forget this. [laughs]
What if our first game features a
middle-aged Italian plumber? What? [laughs] – What is wrong with you, Gray? – [laughs]
[thumps head] – A plumber? What are you doing, Gray? This isn’t what we disc–
yeah, yeah. Yeah! And he–
he’ll always wear red and, uh, have a mustache like me, Mario. [laughs] – Dude, that doesn’t
make any sense. – You two better focus up. – Unless he has a younger
brother who’s taller and only wears green. – [laughs] – Now, we need practical ideas
like– [laughs] like punching a brick wall to
see if there’s coins inside. – Dude, I was thinking
the same thing! – You jump up and hit that brick ceiling
with your head, man. – Okay. [grunts]
I’m not tall enough. I need something
to make me taller. [laughs] – Here, here’s some mushrooms
from my pizza. – [laughs] – [exhales] Mushrooms make you grow. I’m like twice as big now. – [laughs] – Coins! Dust coins. – Good job. – Look, look, look.– What are you doing
in the sink, man?
– [makes sound effects] I’m trying to
go down the pipe! I can’t do it! – I guess in life, there are
some pipes you can go down and some you can’t. [laughs] – Dude, that’s deep! – [chuckles] [screams] – [gasping] – Did you see that?– Wh-– When Gray jumped
off the sink, there was, like,
this polka dot, red-face plant, and it, like, spit fire at him. – [gasps] I need something that will
give me fire power! – Yeah. – [gasps]
Oh. – Oh, good idea. – [laughs] – Ah-ha! Boom! Boom! – I’ll help you, brother! Okay. [thud] – [screams] – Oh. – [spitting] Dude, why’d you throw
a green shell at me? – I was trying to
kill the plant, man. – Well, then throw a red one,
you cocky little freak! – Yes. Guys, look! Look, I got a star! – Dude, you’re, like,
invincible now! – Really, are you sure? – Only one way to find out! – Ow! Why’d you throw a hammer, bro? – Dude, that’s my bad.– [cries]– There should be, like, a song,
like– [sings the Super Mario
Bros. “invincible” song] –that indicates how
much invincibility you have. – [groans shrilly] – What is going on? We can hear screaming
clear down the hall. – Princess! – Princess. – Okay, look, uh-uh. Just because I wore a pink dress
today does not mean that– guys. You want to hear
something totally bogus?– Mm.– I think– I think I’m going
to get kidnapped by our C.E.O.,
Mr. Bowser! [cries] – Oh. – Mario! I want you to go up to Bowser’s
office and jump on his face! – How many times? – Three times! – Okay. – Hey, why don’t we all go? We can play games,
collect stars; it’ll be a party! – Whee! – A Mario party! – Wh– why do we have to
call everything “Mario?” It’s like, Mario Party,
Mario Kart. You stinking narcissist!– All right, everyone.Last quarter was
extremely stressful, so for this week’s meeting,
instead of talking business, I thought we could play a fun
get-to-know-you game with this ball I bought. Okay? So everyone stand up. – Okay. – Okay,
this is how you play. You throw the ball, and then whatever question
your right thumb lands on, that’s the one you answer. All right?– All right.– Oh. Where are you from? Um, I usually tell people
I’m from Utah ’cause I was born there, but I really grew up in Ohio. – All right. – Uh, what is your
favorite color? Well, my favorite
color is brown, but I wear pink
all the time because my husband
says I look good in it. – Here we go. [chuckles] Okay. What body part are you
most insecure about? That’s a-
that’s an awkward question. – Yeah, you don’t have
to answer that. – No, no. It’s fine because
I’m a team player, and this, my friends,
is a safe place. Right? – Yeah. – Right. Okay, let’s do this. Um, I am most insecure about
my overactive sweat glands.Especiallyin uncomfortable
situations, you know? Oh, here we go. Tacos are seasoning.Carne asada or pulled pork?[laughs]Put- put your orders in. – Oh, okay. – Maybe I should answer
another question, you know? That was kind of… – You can probably
just pass it on. – No, because
I’m a team player, and hey,
we’re becoming friends. – Yeah. Yeah. – All right, here we go. How much do you weigh?– That’s a little
inappropriate, right? – So I’m, uh… Just shy of…
200 pounds. Yeah. 200. All right, yeah. Actually, it’s probably
closer to 230. Funny story, funny story.
Um. My metabolism slowed
down significantly because of my thyroid. It’s a problem
that only affects women. Uh… But alas,
I am done, and we are… We’re moving on
from this little shindig. We’re moving other places. We’re-
actually, it’s closer to 260, you know what I mean? You know what, just- 265. Just done. – Okay, um,
what is your favorite vacation? Uh, I go to Disneyland
once a year, so… – Defense, all right. Watch out. Box you out there. We’re having fun, friends. I just really think
I need another question. You know, I really think I need- just weird… Okay, here we go. Oh. Would you rather
drown a puppy… or push an elderly man
down a flight of stairs? – [whispers]
Do not answer that question. – Okay, no, no, no,
safe place. – No. – Let’s talk later. Um… I would
rather drown… [coworkers gasp] …an old man. [coworkers groan] – It’s just…
in shallow water- Okay. Okay. Officially done. I’m not touching
this thing anymore. Weird questions. – Are you happy or fun? – Okay, you know what? I think- I really believe that there’s a
good question in here for me.Okay.All right, here we go.Who’s the ugliest person in
the room besides yourself?That one’s just hurtful.If you were hate a
race of people, what race would it be?Okay,
this just says, “scream a swear word with a
question mark at the end!”– Barry! Please.I think we all feel like
we know you very, very well. Just stop. – I… I must apologize
from the deepest… I am appalled at my behavior
and what I’ve said. It’s just… ♪ [intense music] ♪ – No. – It’s “Do you prefer
baths or showers?” Huh?
[laughs] – Okay. – You know what,
I started from the bottom. Now we’re here. – Okay. – Uh, this is a
really tough one. It’s a really tough one because I actually
don’t do either, so I don’t really
know how to answer… [coworkers mutter exasperatedly] – I can’t eat tacos anymore. – Safe place. Hey… – I can never eat tacos again. – What? ♪♪ – Hi guys, thanks for
watching. – So fun, so fun. If you liked it a lot, you
should show us that you like it by liking it,
subscribe to it, perhaps comment about it,
tell us which sketch was the best sketch
of all the sketch. – Mm-hm. – We would appreciate it. – Now get off your break. Come on, it’s been like
25 minutes. – [whispered] Cash-cash
money. – Cheddah.

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